From: John Murtari (jmurtari@akidsright.org)
Date: Fri May 12 2006 - 12:22:26 EDT
Good People & People of Faith,
I went to the annual LEAD Conference/Lobby Day in Albany on Tuesday
and would like to share some thoughts on the event. I've also include
a message from a mother who has been active in reform for a long time,
Teri Stoddard from California.
There were some very good people there: Jim Hays, the President of
FAFNY <dadlobby@yahoo.com> is a great guy and had worked very hard to
insure things were setup. I also met Deborah Fellows
<dafellows2001@yahoo.com> who also is very active in reform. They are
on the mailing list newyorkcivilrightscouncil@yahoogroups.com and are
good folks to know.
For me LEAD was a disheartening event. I really think we can all learn
a lot from what happened there because it identified many of the
problems we have. I came away thinking any hope of a 'shared'
parenting bill in New York is now even farther away -- don't even
think about real 'equal' parenting. Why? Here's my take and I
welcome contrasting views of others (especially those who were there)
for the next FEEDBACK message.
1) Attendance was very low. I counted 21 people in the room from all
of New York State. It was a big conference room and we were a small
part of it. Probably the lowest turn out in the last several years.
2) There were a few big banners posted. The majority of them
emphasized the word: FATHER. The sponsoring group was called Fathers
and Families New York (FAFNY) -- which I assume has different goals
and wants to attract a different membership than a group that might be
called Parents and Families New York (PAFNY), and would probably
oppose the goals of a group called Mothers and Families New York
(MAFNY). Does any of that make any sense?
How can we expect to bring about fundamental reform (which begins with
changing how people think and feel about us) -- if we don't even know
what to call ourselves? Who we are? We are PARENTS.
3) The BIG speech was by Assemblyman Weisenberg, the sponsor of A330,
the Shared Parenting Bill. He also is a very good man, committed to
change, not afraid to speak out. You could tell he had worked very
hard on trying to get the Bill out of committee. But, there were times
during his speech when I wanted to stand up and yell, "No!"
As we was talking he would always refer to A330 as, "My bill." I
thought that was strange. I could almost understand it if the bill
was about tax reform, aid to schools, or highway construction and it
was his idea -- but Family Law Reform?
What would you think of Thomas Jefferson saying, "My Bill of
Rights?" We talk about our GREAT right to be FIT & EQUAL parents.
What do we want government to do? Recognize & protect it. It is
not something for government to create. Mr. Weisenberg, as with
Thomas Jefferson, didn't come up with the idea of fundamental
Family rights. They have always existed. We all need to understand
that and reflect that in our actions.
He also spent a lot of time on something I hadn't heard in prior
years. That it doesn't help the legislative process when members of
your group call to threaten & harass legislators. That his
'colleagues' were calling him to complain about threatening behavior
and it wasn't going to help get the bill passed. He was embarrassed.
At first I wasn't sure what he was talking about. Part of it
seemed to be they were threatened about being voted out of
office. This is America, and that is the foundation of our
political process -- but should it really be delivered as a threat
in the middle of a discussion? If there was a large amount of
public support -- you wouldn't even have to say that. They would
know it.
When he was done, I asked a few people about it and was told some
of it was real physical threats and nasty personal comments? Can
you believe that? Someone had gone a little 'overboard' in their
efforts. Can't we treat everyone with dignity, respect, and
compassion? I know we feel so strongly about this, we want to put
an EXCLAMATION POINT into what we say by strong words -- how about
letting your actions speak louder? Personal sacrifice motivated
by the love of your kids?
He kept saying it was time for talking, that it would take time, we
needed to listen to the other side, more compromises had to be made in
the wording of the bill. That was the way legislation was passed. We
had to understand that.
Read A330 at: http://assembly.state.ny.us/leg/?bn=A00330&sh=t
As I was hearing his words I realized how far we have to come in
our thinking. How we completely fail when we think of reform as
just another piece of legislation: you research, lobby, donate,
compromise, and get something passed.
How much do you compromise on a fundamental right?
More importantly, look at history. How many fundamental rights
were achieved through just talking? We need public action, we
need the public to see parents making loving sacrifice to gain
recognition of their right to be FIT & EQUAL parents -- you get
stuck in a rut, with a poor bill, because the public is not behind
us. Much of our leadership doesn't understand public action, we
need to work on that.
Here is another phrase I heard a lot from him, and also from some another
legislator that spoke, "Let's do what's best for the children."
Sounds nice, but should we applaud that? If it is said from the
perspective of being a parent -- I agree. If it said from the
prospective of a member of government -- I don't agree. Parents
fundamentally decide what is best for their kids.
Isn't that the problem, government wanting to reach over the heads
of parents to control and protect children? Shouldn't government
be supporting parents and sound family life instead? The
interference is well intentioned, but counter productive.
He should have said, "Let's do what's best to support families."
"Nothing will really happen for the better until the law says you
keep parental rights equal with the other parent, and superior to
the government, unless you are proven guilty of a crime with the
full criminal rules of evidence and all due process."
Eric - etarking@ooadvocate.com
4) The one and maybe only high point of the day was a questions &
answer period that included Chief Magistrate Peter Passidomo from the
office of Family Court Administration for New York. As a high level
official he could have denied a lot of problems or tried to defend the
actions of Judges -- he did not.
He took some tough questions from those in the audience and
handled them well. He acknowledge there are problem judges, but
the office of administration has limited authority. He also
acknowledged that the official 'grievance process' against Judges
is not very effective.
He made it clear that changes need to be made and his office needs
more authority to insure accountability. All that rests with the
state legislature.
Many people are cynical about ALL government officials. We have to
remind ourselves there are good people out there that also share
some of our goals.
5) I went up to the offices of my Assemblyman, Robert Oaks, and
introduced myself. I had already met his local staff, but had not
met the people in Albany. I talked with them about our
"You're a Parent Notification Act" and asked what I needed to submit.
They were very helpful.
I sent in the material yesterday. It is late in the Legislative
session, but it would be nice to get the discussion process started.
For details: http://www.AKidsRight.ORg/parental_notification -- you
can track progress there and your thoughts are welcome.
6) I met a couple of PARENTS from Suffolk County, Gordon Kelly & Bill
Kirchoff <NRAfirearmsTC@aol.com>. They showed me a RESOLUTION IN
SUPPORT OF SHARED PARENTING that had been passed by the County
Legislator: 18 members, 9 male, 9 female, 10 democrats, 8 republicans
-- it passed unanimously!
It RESOLVED that the NY State Legislature should pass A330. Talk
about starting at a 'grass roots' level. They called people to
testify before the legislators -- it can be done!
Your thoughts?
The Good, The Bad, and The Unity
--------------------------------
By: Terri Stoddard <shared.parenting.works@gmail.com>
I'm having problems with Bloglet, so this post is coming straight from
me. I'll continue to send my posts this way until I can get everyone
moved to the RSS service. You can also check my blog here:
http://feminist4fathers.mensnewsdaily.com
Thank you for reading!
Teri
*The Good*
Due to the hard work of dedicated family law lobbyist Michael Robinson
of the California Alliance for Families and Children
<http://www.cafcusa.org/>, men's issues columnist and commentator
Glenn Sacks <http://glennsacks.com/>, the Alliance for Children
Concerned About Move-Aways<http://www.accama.org/>, and concerned
citizens who utilized their right to voice their opinion, SB1482 was
pulled today. SB1482 would have given California's custodial parents
almost complete control to move children away from their other
parent. Let's call this one a win for the good guys.
*The Bad*
The Fathers' Movement has a dirty little secret. There are men in the
movement who do not hold the beliefs that the rest of us do about
women. These guys stick out like a sore thumb, and as much as we'd
all like to brush them under the rug, we can't. Our opposition keeps
using them as examples of what we stand for, and to be quite honest,
I'm fed up.
Most of us love and respect women as much as we love and respect men,
even if some men can't trust women just yet. Most of us believe in
equal rights and don't blame women for wanting them too. Most of us
want to see synergy, men and women working together to find equitable
solutions.
These men, the ones who hold deep disdain for females, believe that
all females are out to destroy all males. Some of these men loved
women at one time. I've seen how destructive the family court system
and the pain that comes from losing your children is to a person's
mental health. Others probably felt this way all along.
Unfortunately at this time, one of the well-recognized Dads' ( like a
million or so of them, who like to march) groups is co-run by one of
these men. Each time I read one of his foul-mouthed, disrespectful,
hate-filled emails to me and other women I cringe at the thought that
vulnerable fathers might have their hurt turned into hatred by this
man. We female fathers' advocates can "take" it and all, but this guy
is like a zit on the face of the fathers' movement. Men have also
confided to me they feel the same way about this person and others
like him. So, here I am to say:
These men do NOT represent the real Fathers' Rights Movement!
*The Unity*
I've had the pleasure of getting to know Bev Morris, founder of the
National Association of Non-Custodial Moms, Inc
<http://www.nancm.com/>.
She started her group so other noncustodial moms could share their
feelings and give each other support. Her organization is supported by
the Dr. Phil Show. This June NANCM will have a convention in Orlando,
Florida.<http://www.nancm.com/?page=conventions>
Bev is a staunch supporter of equal child custody. In fact, David
L. Levy of the Children's Rights Council <http://gocrc.com/> and Jim
Loose of People for Equal Parenting <http://www.pepintexas.org/> will
be speakers at the conference. You can hear her interview and
description of NANCM on the Annie Armen radio show
HERE <http://www.worldtalkradio.com/playlist.asp?SegmentID=19628>
--
John Murtari
____________________________________________________________________
Coordinator AKidsRight.Org
jmurtari@AKidsRight.Org "A Kid's Right to BOTH parents"
Toll Free (877) 635-1968(x-211) http://www.AKidsRight.Org/
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