AKidsRight.Org BLOG

d People & People of Faith,

This is a continuation of a prior message,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/wordpress/archives/12 , about NonViolent
Action and the time I spent in jail last year. I share this so others
can understand what the experience was like and learn from my
mistakes. This was an extreme action and something I don’t recommend
or want to repeat, but it may be appropriate in certain situations.

You are welcome to comment at the BLOG or via direct FEEDBACK to me.
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/wordpress

Good Media - Good Story - No Regrets!
Before going on with more details. A few thoughts regarding the big
picture. This story could have had a bad sound bite, “$60,000
deadbeat ends up in jail — good riddance!” But there was a lot of
good press and other media. Why? To hear me talk about how corrupt
judges and lawyer were, or feminazis, or patriarchists, or the evils
of my former spouse, the divorce industry, or me being a victim? No.

I talked about how deeply I loved my son. How I’d spent almost
everything I had to maintain contact and be a loving parent. About
proceedings that never even recognized my Civil Right to be a FIT &
EQUAL parent… Without that, how could Justice ever be done?

As parents, we are blessed with one of the most powerful story lines,
“Loving parent in search of their child. Sacrificing to find them and
be reunited…” But somehow we forget. We get caught up in the anger
or in legal terms and practicalities — also, we don’t act. We write,
we talk, but we don’t “do.” We don’t “show.”

As difficult as this whole experience was for me, there were no second
thoughts. Yes, I was worried the pain/sacrifice would be too much and
my Faith too small (my personal weaknesses). I never doubted it was
the right action.

Nasal-Gastric Tube Insertion
You know what they say, “watch out what you ask for!” That really hit
home on my first day with the “tube”. As a matter of fact, I almost
didn’t make it past the first day!

Like many of you, I had never seen one of these tubes. I thought it
would be a relatively serious medical procedure. Hardly! It was done
in the normal examination room. I just sat on the table. The tube
itself was clear plastic, not very different from the small
polyethylene tubes you see at a hardware store. The doctor took time
before the procedure to explain everything to me. It wiggles its way
up your noise, through your sinus passages, down the back of your
throat, through the esophagus, and actually into your stomach.

She put a little lidocaine on the end and, told me to tilt my head
back, and started pushing it up my right nostril. About 2-3 feet went
inside me and I felt every inch — I’ve a very active imagination! As
she was pushing I was told to keep drinking from a cup of water, to
insure the tube ended up in my stomach — and not in my lungs.

When I walked back to my cell it definitely felt strange. I could
feel every swallow, it felt like I had a case of bad strep throat –
but I didn’t know the half of it. They took a chest X-ray to confirm
placement. I had to wait till evening to be fed.

I’m Ready to Quit, I’ll Sign - Get this thing out of me!
It went in on Wednesday and I hadn’t eaten anything for 9 days and
very little water. They wanted my stomach to get used to something
before they started the feedings so I took some jello. It wasn’t that
much, but after about an hour I began to feel terrible. I remember
the Doctor telling me, “John, we really don’t want you to vomit with
that thing in you…” I kept feeling more and more pressure in my
stomach and didn’t know what was going on. I was watching TV and had
gotten up to walk back to my cell when I just started heaving and went
down on my knees retching.

The guard was worried about keeping the floor clean and yells,
“Murtari, do it in your cell!” He sent out a call for the nurses and
I barely got back to the ‘porcelain phone.’ I’m heaving again and
again, but nothing is coming out. I was weak, dizzy, and
uncomfortable from this garden hose down my throat…

I thought, “When the nurses get here I’m telling them to pull it out.
I just can’t take it anymore. That’s it!” And…. if the nurses had
shown up quickly, that is probably what would have happened. All done,
game over….

Thank God prison medical care is slow! It took them about 10 minutes
to show up. I guess I just needed to be burped like a baby. After the
heaving my stomach settled and I felt fine. I never had a problem
with vomiting again and told the nurses I was fine. Right!

Life with a tube
Two things. You feel every swallow and it can hurt. The other thing,
which gets into some anatomy — is that the tube is placed into your
stomach, past the little esophageal sphincter valve which normally
closes off your stomach from your throat. Stomach acids can leak up
your throat and give you a wicked case of ‘heart burn’. This means
you always sleep at an up angle, especially after a meal you keep your
body up for at least an hour.

Keeping the tube in position is difficult. In a hospital they use a
string and a clip to hold it — no strings in jail! We might strangle
someone. Mine was held with surgical tape to my nose and I needed to
re-tape it twice a day. The initial tube would move easily.

Also, during a feeding, since the fluid was cold you could get a
little/lot of mucus (or should I use the medical term snot) coming out
of your nose — a real treat!

Sleeping was a whole other adventure. I had the tube tied off and
coiled around my neck, but I could barely get into a comfortable
position, and then the swallowing pain….

What a difference a millimeter makes!
In my 4 months I had three different feeding tubes. The first one
lasted about a week and was growing more uncomfortable each day.
Before starting a feeding the nurses would put air through the tube
and listen to my stomach using a stethoscope to confirm placement.
Well, they couldn’t hear it. Took another X-Ray, and they couldn’t
see it.

They pulled it out and then I was looking forward to another one. The
Doc used my left nostril and the tube was a little bigger “he
thought.” Well, this one went in very hard. He was pressing and it
was hard for me to keep my head in position, finally it just about
jammed when it got to the right depth — I could really feel it. He
told me, “John, sometimes your sinus passages are a little different
for each side, a much tighter fit here…” Tell me about it!

This one hurt from the start, but at least it was jammed so tight I
didn’t have to worry about movement.

Drowning on the Beach in Wonderland
Honestly, up to this point, I’m not really proud of my conduct. Got
lucky a few times and made it okay. But the next 9 days I stood my
ground and just took it….. I’d had two close calls and I wasn’t
going to quit now.

Within a few days the new tube was very uncomfortable. I was only
sleeping for an hour or two at a time. My throat was on fire and I
was really feeling the acid reflux. They gave me medication. I had to
stay very ‘propped up’ to avoid pain. I had a hospital bed and the
end was up about 30 degrees, the only problem was if I relaxed I would
slide down and the acid would hit….

In a few more days it got to the point where I just didn’t want to
swallow. I kept a little bowl next to my bed and a roll of toilet
paper. When the fluid would build up in my mouth I would just spit
into the paper, after a while that bowel was a sopping mess.

Days weren’t too bad, I could walk around, sit in a chair, but the
nights were never ending. I was gagging on the fluid so much I just
couldn’t get any rest. I would sit up in bed or lean against the
wall, it was slow misery. I’d put in a ’sick call slip’ to see the
Doctor, but had to wait a few days.

There were about 3 nights that were just fantasy land. I wasn’t
dreaming, it’s the closest thing I could think to a delirium. I felt
I was drowning and needed to swim, needed to grab something, but at
the same time I knew I was in my bed, not on a beach. I had to force
myself to realize I was in a jail bed, not drowning.

When I finally saw the doctor, he looked down my throat and said,
“We’ve got to remove it now.” They waited a few days before inserting
another….

Lesson Learned
More than anything it made me appreciate what has always been said
about NonViolent Action, you have to be motivated by love, by a
positive goal. If you are doing something out of anger/spite — it
just won’t last.

At the beginning several guards told me, “Murtari, your wasting your
time, we get hunger-strikers all the time, nobody cares, die if you
want to!” Well, they were wrong. This wasn’t the angry prisoner, but
a loving parent…

Finally, into routine!
The new tube was smaller and went into my right nostril. We lived at
peace with each other. It stayed in me for the rest of my jail time,
about three months.

I then got into a routine, exercise three times a day after every
feeding. Jumping jacks, sit-ups, and push ups. I also walked for
half an hour twice a day. I knew I had lost a lot of muscle, they
were feeding me a lot of calories and I needed to recover.

I had a book of the Psalms sent into me and would pray at regular
intervals. The letters many of you wrote were great and it became
just a matter of ‘doing the time.’

In the back of my mind I was worried about my friend, the tube. I
asked the Doctor if my valves and swallowing would return to normal
after it was removed. He said it “should.” I thought, “John, you
could walk out with permanent acid reflux AND swallowing might always
feel funny…” It didn’t matter.

Very, very fortunate
There were no side effects. I left in good health and the ability to
enjoy Christmas with my son. He turned 14 in February and I flew out
to see him. On June 14th he will be here, God willing, for Summer
vacation. We get six straight weeks together! We are very, very
fortunate.

So many people were helpful, I can’t mention them all here for I’m
sure to leave someone out. Many are mentioned at the web site,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/support_jm.htm — my heartfelt thanks.

A special thanks again to Teri Stoddard, a mom out in California,
teri@AKidsRight.Org, http://www.sharedparentingworks.org/, and a BLOG
at Men’s News daily, http://teristoddard.mensnewsdaily.com/ She was my
daily life-line to the outside and did a lot of work that helped make
this a positive story for all of us….

Just Giving Back - I’ll Sign!
Don’t thank me too much. My decision and choice was pretty easy. I
remembered all the pain and tears the system had caused Dom and I.
The indignity and injustice when I was thrown in jail for six months
back in 2000. But we still love each other, I get big hugs! This may
sound strange, but the pain I willingly endured wiped the slate clean
for all the suffering we’d been given. The system and I were ‘even’.

I hear so many of your stories. Children who have been alienated and
hate you. Living every day of your life knowing you ‘had’ a child.
Knowing that once gone, childhood is never “made up.” I don’t know if
I’d be able to survive what some of you go through EACH AND EVERY DAY!

Both Domenic and I know how very lucky we are, what might have been.
In a very graphic example, if the Almighty had given me a choice and
said: Live like many of you, have a child who is ‘gone’ — or, have
the gift of a child who loved you through it all. I would easily sign
up — give me the big fat tube from H$ll!. What I am doing is just
showing the appreciation for what I have. It is worth more than
anything else in life.

Also, as I have said to so many. Keep the Faith, keep the door open to
your children. Do not give up (as I almost did so many times in this
story), and even if you have — get back up and try again….

“The NonViolent approach does not immediately change the heart of the oppressor. It first does something to the hearts and souls of those committed to it. It gives them self respect; it calls up resources of strength and courage that they didn’t think they had. It reaches the opponent and so stirs his conscience that reconciliation becomes a reality.” — Martin Luther King

Good People & People of Faith,

This is a continuation of a prior message,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/archive/archive2007/0017.html, about
NonViolent Action and the time I spent in jail last year. Again, I
share this first hand view so others can understand what the
experience was like, and also learn from my mistakes. This was an
extreme action and something I normally don’t do or recommend or want
to repeat, but it may be appropriate in certain situations.

Full background: http://www.AKidsRight.Org/support_jm.htm

The Bum’s Rush
A friend brought me to the jail on a Monday. We were both wearing
coat & tie. I went up to the window, gave them my name and a letter
saying I would not cooperate. I also told the guard at the window what
I planned on doing.

A little while later they told me to go through the doors for
processing. I politely told them no. A few minutes more and another
guard came through to talk to me. It happened to be someone I knew
from one of my previous ‘visits’ (as I said before I am usually a
model prisoner). He asked what was going on? I explained this was an
unjust sentence, that my Civil Right to be presumed a FIT & EQUAL
parent to my child had not only been violated — it wasn’t even
recognized as existing…

Of course, he told me I needed to be processed and this was going to
make it ‘difficult’.

IMPORTANT - This was something I said a lot that day. I
apologized for the inconvenience. I didn’t mean to hassle them.
I was not going to struggle with them or threaten them in any
way — I was just going to be passive. I would not voluntarily
cooperate with injustice.

A longer wait….the ‘response’ team came out and four of them held me
by legs and arms and carried me into booking. For a while I actually
hoped they might ‘reconsider’, but, that was the end of that….

They dumped me on the floor in booking and told me to get undressed.
I repeated the message above. They stripped the clothes off me and I
was naked on the ground with them standing above, it was humiliating.
Finally, they threw me a jail ‘jump suit’ and said put it on, they
left….

Not Self Torture
So far things had gone pretty much as I expected. I put the jump suit
on. Why? My goal was to put pressure on them by noncooperation, the
big part of my effort was going to be not eating/drinking until they
took care of me. Being ‘naked’ or partially clothed was more
inconvenient and a distraction for me.

I will jump ahead briefly to the point where they put in a
nasal-gastric feeding tube and met my fluid/nutrition needs. The
Doctor told me it would ‘help’ if I drank fluids via my mouth to keep
the outside of the tube clean as it passed down my esophagus. At each
of the mealtimes I would drink a cup of clear broth and a cup of
juice. Why?

They had accepted the burden of caring for me via feeding tube;
however, if I ignored their advice on how to avoid complications, I
could have damaged my throat. I was not going that far…..

The Padded Cell
When they saw me in the jump suit, they were hopeful I would get up
and continue processing. I did not. They carried me around. I would
not answer their questions. Eventually they brought me to
‘restrictive’ housing. Someone finally got smart and put me in a
wheel chair. It was one of the hottest days of the summer.

They dumped me in one of the worst cells in the place, plastic
covering the door, little ventilation, and just a padded cot in the
middle. I just lay there after they put me down and relaxed.

I was concerned because their was no air conditioning and I was
sweating even with no activity. I knew I should have 5 days with no
water in optimal conditions — but this wasn’t it! They brought me
dinner. I just left it where they put it.

There was a lot of noise in the ‘bad boy’ block, two guys next to me
were yelling most of the night, one guy kept saying his rights were
being violated, another one was complaining about medical attention
and threatening to sue! It is not unique.

I just kept quiet and didn’t speak unless spoken to. At least the hard
part (I thought) was over, it was now out of my hands. I had prepared
the best I could and there was nothing left for me to initiate. I
just lay on the padded cot and prayed. As a Catholic I’m familiar
with the Rosary, a very repetitive prayer, and by counting on my
fingers I would do several recitations. It was my common routine
when left alone by them.

Moved to a Medical Facility
They brought me breakfast and lunch, I just ignored them. On Tuesday
I did talk to a ‘counselor’ and let them know what I was doing. I was
surprised I didn’t feel hungry at all as I passed 24 hours without food
or water. I guess I was more concerned about dehydration than food.

The normal glucose range (I know now), is in the 70-110 range (mg/dl).
They called me up to a nursing unit to have my blood sugar tested with
one of those finger prick devices. They got a reading of 43. That
appeared to concern them.

About an hour later I was told I was going to be transported to
downtown Syracuse, the jail there had doctors on staff and a complete
medical floor.

Just have a drink with me!
By Thursday I was starting to feel it, my blood presser and pulse were
both down. I began to have a fascination with water. I could take a
shower and I would spend time just standing under the stream. I would
open my mouth and just let it bounce around in my mouth. I would
swish it and spit it out I kept a log, it was difficult to sleep or
talk, I actually drank from 3-6 ounces/day then.

My weight was really dropping mostly due to dehydration.

The medical director spoke to me privately. She was very nice. She
told me, “John, it’s going to take us a while to get the medical kit
we need to do a nasal-gastric tube. I don’t want anything to happen
to you….” Then she pulled out a cold bottle of water — it looked
great! “John, will you just drink this for me now?…” I said, “No.”

She talked to my about Kidney damage, and also about my son. Did I
want to burden him with my care if I required dialysis later? It was a
difficult conversation and I was almost ready to do it… why take the
risk? I also knew it could be a ploy just to delay things….

I thanked her, but said I had to stick with no.

Alice in the Hospital Emergency Room!
When not being ‘tested’ I was just lay in my cell with no activity.
They were having a hard time getting a pulse and blood pressure.
Sometimes they would have to use the stethoscope to get the pulse.

By Friday morning it had been four days without food and only dripping
amounts of water. A doctor and nurse showed up early in the morning
and my vital signs didn’t look very vital. I can remember the nurse
telling the Doc, “his pulse is weak and irregular.”

The doctor told me he was going to send me to a Hospital emergency
room for a fluid IV. I was very relieved to hear that. It was
strenuous getting to the hospital, they put a lot of chains on you, it
is hard to walk, we had to wait for hours even there….

One emergency room doctor ordered the IV and they started the prep and
put a tube into a vein. Then another older Doctor showed up and she
questioned me about my reasons and finally said they weren’t going to
do it! It I wanted to hurt myself, that was my choice, when my
kidney’s failed, they would be happy to treat me then…. it was a
medical ethics thing.

I could spend pages on that thought, but I’ll skip it for now…

Heck, I’ll sign! Give me that water!
Anyway, the bag of fluid was so close! I was crushed, exhausted, and
back at the jail very late in the day. It had now been 4 days. I
felt the Hospital had given the jail a good ‘cover’ for not treating
me — it was not their fault now! I lost my confidence in success…

After a few moments back in my cell, I went to the sink and drank
about three-four small glasses of water. It felt great. I could feel
the lights go back on in my head. It was amazing — but my conscience
felt terrible - quitter! So what are you going to tell Domenic now –
“well, it was a little too much for Dad!” What about the other
parents who were counting on you? What about all that Faith and
Sacrifice stuff you talk about - huh! What about it!

I was at the Academy from 74-78. We had one instructor who’d been a
POW during the Vietnam War. Shot down in an F-4. Should have turned
left after a bomb run, but he turned right — too bad, spend the next
five years of your life in misery! I believe his back-seater died.

He talked to us about torture and how it was there. I could remember
one thing he said very clearly,

“Don’t kid yourself, when they quiz [interrogate & torture] you
they will break you and you will talk. What separates the prisoners
who survive with dignity from the others is rebound. Once some
people fail, they start talking like a parrot, they’ll do anything the
enemy wants, they feel they are no good, it doesn’t matter any more…..Remember, that is not true. Get your self together, when
you go back to quiz the next day, don’t answer. Make them work
for it again….

I resolved to see it through, not drink anymore, and keep my dignity
and not betray the trust my son had in me, and also many of you….

Monday and the Shakes
It was funny, but I still didn’t feel hungry over the weekend. I
could feel myself growing weaker. It seemed strange, but my blood
sugar level rebounded into the normal range. A doctor explained
that was expected, the body was now burning other internal stores
to supply itself with energy.

We had a small ‘rec’ yard. Part of it opened to the outdoors and you
could see the sun and feel the wind. I used to go there and just lay
in the sun — I felt like a reptile. I had to be very careful getting
up, a few times I began to black out and lost my vision. It reminded
me of the effects of a high-G turn when I was flying.

Anyway — I didn’t want them to see me stumble or fall. That yard was
my special place, apart from everyone. If I fell, they would restrict
to my cell where they could watch me closely. I didn’t want that…

It was now seven days with no food and very little water (just the
splurge on Friday). They put me in a cell with two other inmates (the
inmates told me the nursing staff had asked them to try to convince me
to eat). It was about three in the morning and I had the shakes, my
whole body started to tremble and I couldn’t stop it. I had no idea
what was going on. I asked one of my room mates to call the guard.

The nurse and the guard game. The vitals were bad (as usual). She just
said it was probably ‘blood chemistry’ and not much they could do.
They left.

I thought to myself, well I guess if my heart stops that will be a
‘medical emergency’. I knew they could normally revive people, but
what if your ‘blood chemistry’ is all fouled up — hard to start the
car when the plugs are fouled… It subsided after about 30 minutes.

How About some Chocolate Little Boy?
The next day I was walking slowly from the rec yard, one of the
nursing supervisors stopped me. She pulled a beautiful Hershey’s Bar
out of her uniform and said, “Here, you can have this if you want.” I
thanked her, but turned it down.

I was starting to scare myself in the shower. I looked down one day
and noticed that my knees had become large — then I realized they
hadn’t, but my calf and thigh had shrunk. I could feel the muscle
change. It reminded me of the pictures you see of the kids
starving…. I knew what was being burned for energy. I had gone in
at 155 stripped, in a week I had dropped to 132 with my clothes on.

Rally on Tuesday!
Teri Stoddard (teri@AKidsRight.Org) was my connection to the outside
world during this time. I could call her via phone connection from my
office which I could call collect. I kept her appraised of what was
happening and she was making good efforts to contact the media and she
told me about the Rally to be held near the jail.

She passed on words of support and that certainly lifted my spirits.
I was starting to get mail then. It was great to hear from other
parents! If the jail had been hesitating to insert a feeding tube, I
think the interest expressed by the Syracuse newspaper finally made
them decide.

They had originally requested to come in on Tuesday, but the jail held
them off. Told them I would have the tube put in, they could talk to
me on Wednesday…..

I’m coordinator for AKidsRight.Org, our method is NonViolent
Action. It’s based on the conviction that parents willing to
demonstrate loving self-sacrifice are a key force for reform. We try
to demonstrate to skeptical observers that the method works. For more
background see: http://www.AKidsRight.Org/civil.htm

The Rest of the Story
Most of the newspaper and TV stories about my noncooperation during my
4 months of jail time last year were wrong with some major facts.
While the web site had the complete rational,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/support_jm.htm — most people didn’t read
the details.

In the next few list messages I want to share personal thoughts on my
experience. Everything else has been second hand and there were some
crucial things missed. I want to avoid any false impressions.

Since then several people have contacted me, a few said they were going to ‘hunger strike’ if jailed (but I didn’t hear any more from them). One person tried to follow through when in jail, told the guards he would not eat. They asked him if he was trying to hurt himself, he said, “yes”. They stripped him naked and put him in a padded cell. He changed his mind in about a day.

As you read the messages of how things unfolded, some stupid things I
did in jail — my actions should also appear pretty ‘regular’.

NOT an 11th hour conversion
This was not a snap decision on my part. It was something I had
prepared for years in advance. NonViolent action is voluntary
sacrifice, not an act of desperation. We have background on it above,
we even have a preparation checklist,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/checklist.htm — it may surprise you!

NOT a Hunger Strike
This was the biggest conceptual problem. The classic ‘hunger strike’
is someone who refuses to eat (but continues to take fluids) while
waiting for a demand to be met. I’ll starve myself if you don’t do what
I want…. it can be effective in drawing public attention.

In jails it is not uncommon for prisoners to strike and the medical
staff usually has a hunger strike protocol they follow to monitor the
person. You can survive a very long time without eating, as long as
you drink, but you can destroy your body as it consumes itself in
search of energy. Canada:
http://www.csc-scc.gc.ca/text/plcy/cdshtm/825-cde_e.shtml

Training
As many of you know I’m a graduate of our Air Force Academy and a
former Air Force Instructor Pilot. I have been through some
challenging training and difficult environments. A simulated POW camp
where I ended up naked, blind-folded, slammed against a wall, and a
guard with his dirty boot between my ‘cheeks’ and pressing my ‘jewels’
against the wall — asking, “Will you sign the confession now
criminal!?” I told him how many copies did he want. Don’t squeeze!

I had been jailed locally many time before, I knew the environment,
knew many of the guards, and I had a good reputation with them.

Non Cooperation with Jail
In my other actions, http://www.AKidsRIght.Org/events.htm, my
’sacrifice’ has been my freedom. I’m normally a ‘model’ prisoner and
just do my time. But how to respond when the ’system’ pulls you off
the street and puts you in jail against your will?

I had no desire to hurt myself. I’m a parent. I have a child to live
for, but … how do I call attention to the grave injustice/indignity
done to me when I am thrown in jail and labeled a ‘dead beat’? Also,
what is the proper response for a person of Faith?

My thought was to make myself a burden to the system. I would not
follow the ‘commands’ of the guards, refuse to eat, and also refuse to
drink voluntarily, until I was fed/hydrated by ‘tubes’ in a medical
setting. I knew a hunger strike could easily last longer than a
month, but by refusing water a crisis would result. I also relied on
the fact the system had to take care of me as a prisoner. I was NOT
trying to hurt myself, but I wanted them to feed me. I was NOT
refusing care.

I did some research myself. The greatest danger from lack of water is
kidney failure (a serious problem). In an ‘optimal’ environment a
healthy person could go 5 days without any serious trouble.

Preparation and Planning
From my prior visits to jail and watching other problem prisoners I knew
two things:

1) I could expect to be without communication with the outside world.
No phone ‘privileges’.

2) There would be an attempt to intimidate me and/or label me as some
type of ‘crazy’. I knew that no matter what I actually said, it could
be distorted to fit their desire.

I was fortunate to have a week to prepare myself for the jail
sentence. I wrote a detailed letter to the Jail ‘warden’,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/support/cowin1.pdf and also to the Judge
explaining exactly what I was going to do and why. I would bring a
copy of the letter into the jail and gave it to staff.

I talked to my son and explained to him what I had planed, not to
worry, and that with Faith, everything would be okay. I contacted a
few friends, local attorneys, who knew what I was planning and asked
them to visit me during that crucial first week. It was important the
jail know that this person’s activities are being monitored from the
outside.

Lastly, I also made everyone aware via the group and some press releases
were prepared.

Sacrifice & Support & Faith
We are a Civil Rights movement attempting to follow the peaceful &
effective techniques of the past used by Gandhi & Martin Luther King.
Those three concepts are crucial to success:

Sacrifice - no GREAT CIVIL RIGHT has been won by talk alone, nor with
a guarantee of success. In the 50’s a Black who peacefully
participated in a rally against segregation stood a good chance his
home could be burned down by the Klan. At a recent parent’s meeting I
asked those assembled if they would attend a Rally for Family Rights,
if it meant a chance they would lose their homes/job — not one hand
went up…..

Support - for all the Black’s who lived down South during the battle
against segregation, very few actually participated actively and risked
personal disaster. While some parents are willing to make a sacrifice,
there are many, many more of us who can help by providing support to
those individuals. Letters, contributions, public demonstrations are
crucial.

Faith - provides the confidence that justice will prevail. That there
is a loving God who takes note of our actions and our pain. That we
are struggling “FOR” our rights and dignity — not fighting “AGAINST”
other people who are our brothers and sisters.

Do you have to talk about Faith & God stuff - it’s distracting!
We are not trying to ‘convert’ anyone as part of this mailing list.
But we do talk about a historical reality and experiences with
NonViolent Action — the ‘bottom line’ is those earlier movements
carried a strong element of Faith in a loving God.

From this experience I can very easily state that I would not have
gone longer than about 3-4 days if I had not had my Faith. It is
essential to anyone actually wanting to practice NonViolent Action.

Probably the closest thing that might resonate with some modern
spirituality is Stoicism, we have some excerpts from the writings of
the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius that place a strong emphasis on
civic duty: http://www.AKidsRight.Org/civil_back.htm

Next Message
Will have some snippets of what went on inside the jail.

Good People & People of Faith,

I just heard about this one. Mr. Alec Baldwin’s voice mail to his
little 11 year old daughter:

“You are a rude, thoughtless little pig. You don’t have the brains
or the decency as a human being,” he says, apparently upset that
she did not answer her phone for a planned call.

“I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old, or
that you’re a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in
the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m
concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this
phone.”

He goes on to say that he plans to fly from New York to Los
Angeles “for the day just to straighten you out on this issue.”

This may sound surprising but my sympathy goes our to Mr. Baldwin for
having a private family moment aired to the world. My respect goes
out to him for trying to be a parent to his child. Why?

I don’t normally follow the ‘fortunes of the stars’, but this
monologue of parent to child is appropriate in our discussion of
whether a court should decide the “child’s best interest” — could any
reasonable person stand up in court to defend what this ‘boorish
brute’ has said to his little daughter?! Do you expect a court to
just ignore this type of ‘explosive’ and ‘threatening’ behavior!?

YES I COULD and YES I DO. How about you?
I heard this story on a local radio show as I was eating my cereal. It
made my stomach churn for the personal memories it brought back — not
what Mr. Baldwin said, but the way it was smirked upon by the DJs, a
man and woman. Making remarks like he ‘ought to have his head
examined’, or what a ’stupid thing to say’, or my personal favorite,
‘he should learn to keep the interests of his kid ahead of his own’.

Do any of us have private moments with our loved ones we would prefer
not to see on Entertainment Tonight? As I said from my personal
background, I had a mother who loved me very much and would do
anything for me — but what if I played a nice HD video in surround
sound of her holding on to a struggling 5 year old (me), who is crying
and trying to get away as she repeatedly hits him with a razor strap?

Family is private and should remain private — even through divorce or
separation. Anyone care to share a similar outburst they had like
Mr. Baldwin’s — or perhaps share a time when they came very close to
such an outburst?

Perhaps it would serve us all well to remember the saying,

“There, but for the Grace of God, go I.”

Air Force Pilots can be an arrogant bunch, but I can tell you from my
experience, after someone else crashes a plane — the wise ones are
circumspect. Haven’t had a no $hit in-flight emergency, a
snap-decision-hit-the-wrong-switch-and-everybody-dies few seconds –
you keep your mouth shut and just be thankful it wasn’t you.

BEING MADE a ‘lesser’ PARENT IS A GROSS INDIGNITY
My stomach churned as I heard him talk about feeling “humiliated”. I
think many of us know that one — ’supervised visitation’, not being
trusted to have an ‘overnight’, having your child left in daycare with
strangers instead of with you, having a child taken to foster care?

It is hard to deal with that pain. Some of us ‘heal’ by rationalizing
and forgetting. Obviously Mr. Baldwin loves his daughter very much,
has not forgotten the pain, and is still living with the indignity of
being a ‘lesser’ parent. He is still willing to try and go through
all that pain… I have to admire him for that. You have to walk a
‘tight-rope’ when it comes to your child…..it’s like crossing a mine
field without a detector.

The ’system’ runs the TRAINS TOGETHER
For all the hunter-gatherers out there, what about ‘her’? Here is
a little more from the CNN story.

“The mother and her lawyer leaked this sealed material in
violation of a court order,” [said Baldwin’s lawyer]. “Although
Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in
parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what
he has been put through for the past six years.”

“The voice mail speaks for itself,” Basinger’s spokeswoman said.

Leaked the material — we are talking about our kids here. Don’t the
ends justify the means? Be honest, many of us have been through the
battle — if you had your former spouse on tape like that, wouldn’t
you use it? Don’t we want what’s best?

What an awful family law system we have. Mr. Baldwin and Ms. Basinger
should be FIT & EQUAL parents with their child according to our
standards (http://www.AKidsRight.Org/approach.htm). In front of a jury
neither would be a proven demonstrated serious threat to the safety
of their daughter — but that’s not what this is about, is it?

As long as it’s about “what’s best” — this is what we get, trying to
prove what’s best. It plays out on a grand scale in Hollywood, but we
have all been through it. It is just unfortunate for the whole
family.

Original story can be found at CNN. Notice the weblink is under
SHOWBIZ — just a little more entertainment for all of us!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Movies/04/19/baldwin.bassinger.ap/index.html

As always, your thoughts and FEEDBACK are welcome.

Good People & People of Faith,

Sometimes an experience makes you re-think your beliefs. I believed
our goal, briefly:
Good, average, and poor are all equal & fit parents.

When I hear a case, I try to apply that and see if I can accept the
result. So far, I’ve always felt confident we were on the right
track, we had a Civil Right that was worth sacrificing for….

Well, I heard one a few days ago that made me think. It should make us
all think. Maybe we are not succeeding because we are just plain
wrong? Sacrificing for a goal that just isn’t right?

Sometimes the facts are vague, a lot of ‘he said’ and ’she said’ –
but I’ve got this one on a good record. Pardon the disjointed list,
but here are the UN-CONTROVERTED FACTS:

1. Aging man marries foreign woman 24 years his junior in an arranged
marriage and brings her to the United States. She has no family here.
She doesn’t speak English.

2. The man, an earlier immigrant, never completed any schooling. The
woman only elementary training in her home country.

3. They live in a small rural town. The man is a manual laborer. They
do not drive a car, no phone, no bathtub or shower.

4. The woman conceives at the age of 38 and doesn’t know she is
pregnant. Gets no prenatal care, miscarriages. Becomes pregnant from
the man again and the child dies in delivery.

5. At the age of 40, becomes pregnant again! Only through a C-Section
is the child delivered. They are kept in the hospital for over a week
before being sent home. Neighbors report the child is ‘occasionally’
bathed in the kitchen sink.

6. Father is proud, does not want any ’social services’ help.

7. The child is ‘hyperactive’. The mother, on advice of her husband’s
sister, tried tying the toddler to a table with a rope to keep him
from roaming.

8. The child starts elementary school and neither parent ever makes an
attempt to talk to a teacher or come to a school event. Teachers
report he has clean clothes, but smells bad due to limited/no bathing.

9. Discipline is still a problem at home. The mother hits the child
almost weekly with a razor strap until he cries. However; there are
no long-term marks, never a doctor visit required.

10. The child does not recall his father every saying, “I love you.”

11. With no car, the child, at about age 7, is given money and rides
his bicycle into town for quick grocery trips. He is given money to
buy his father cigars and a local merchant supplies them.

12. The father goes to a local bar almost every Sunday and walks
home drunk.

13. On other weekend outings they are driven by the child’s Uncle to
another relatives homes where all the men play cards and get drunk.
It is about an 8 mile drive, and when coming home the child, mother &
father, drive back with the Uncle who is clearly DWI — but has never
yet been caught by police.

DO I NEED TO GO ON HERE? HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH?
SHOULDN’T WE STEP IN AND HELP THIS POOR
SEVEN YEAR OLD KID?

I went back to the goal we have ‘promoted’ for reform:

http://www.AKidsRight.Org/approach.htm
That you and your spouse are both considered Fit & Equal parents
(equal in terms of both physical and legal custody). If anyone (a
spouse, relative, social services) wishes to challenge that, you have:

1) The right to counsel.
2) The right to be presumed a fit parent, innocent, and deserving of
an equal relationship with your kids.
3) The right to protection of a jury. The “state” needs to prove you
were a demonstrated serious and intentional threat to your child’s
safety.
—————————————————

I try to apply that here. A lot of stuff bothers me, the razor strap
and the DWI — but there is no ‘malintent’ here. No one is trying to
hurt the kid, just doing what they think is right….

I know we all hate ‘the best interest of the child’ — but what about
this poor kid. He’s got a mother who is 47 and a father at 71!
Shouldn’t we ‘force’ and get a Social Worker in there? Tell the
parents what to do — give them a plan and also support services.
Finally, if they don’t comply, shouldn’t we move this child before his
life is ruined? If the child does make it to be a teenager, when he
is 16, his dad will be 80! Not going to play a lot of baseball there!

Let’s be real. You know I want Congressional Hearings, if
Sen. Clinton were to review the facts above and then ask you — “Do
you want this committee to believe these are fit parents, that social
services does not have the right to intervene to help this child?”
What would you say?

Well, this case is actually a few years old. There was no intervention
by Social Services, no court order. Here is what happened to that
innocent 7 year old boy that has made me stop and think:

MORE UN-CONTROVERTED FACTS:

14. The child loves both his mother and father dearly. When asked,
both mother and father say they love their child very much. That he
means the world to them.

15. The child is President of his Senior Class in High School.

16. On his own initiative he completes an application for a
Congressional appointment to the USAF Academy — he is accepted.

17. He is an Honor (Cum Laude) Graduate of the Academy with a degree
in Astronautical Engineering (real ‘rocket science’). When the caps
are thrown in the sky during graduation, both his mother (age 62) and
his father (age 86) are in the stadium.

18. He completes Pilot Training, flies an Air Force jet at supersonic
speeds. Becomes a jet instructor pilot.

19. On his own initiative, with no pressure from his aging parents, he
abandons his AF career (and dreams of becoming a Space Shuttle Pilot)
to care for them.

The ‘rest of the story’

That former 7 year old boy, who smelled bad, is the one typing this
email message. My uncle was never caught DWI by the cops and I have
since improved my bathing habits! Please don’t be afraid to stand
next to me at our rally in May!

To those ‘uncontested’ facts, I can obviously add many more instances
of love & caring from friends and relatives, but especially both my
father, Domenico, and my mother, Caterina. You can guess, they are on
the home page of my family web site, http://www.murtari.org/

Closing

I would not hesitate to tell Sen. Clinton, or anyone else who asked,
‘NO, the government has no right to intervene in my families life.’

At times I count myself lucky that I was born 50 years ago. I don’t
think I would have survived with my family today. I worked off my
ADHD by running around fields — I would have probably been medicated,
psycho analyzed, and with great sadness, separated from my parents.
What a terrible tragedy.

Many of you wonder why I go to such risks for reform? I knew what
great love is from my parents, my dad never had to say it, because he
showed it EVERY DAY of my childhood. Many of you know the same
torture I have been through all these years since my contact with my
son, Domenic, was limited by a court deciding ‘best interest’. All
the love I wanted to show him — and was not able to.

It is only in ‘action’ and more specifically, NonViolent sacrifice,
that I have found peace of heart and converted that anger & hatred
toward the ’system’ into powerful actions based on love.
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/civil.htm

When more of us really BELIEVE, perhaps we will become ready to
sacrifice some of our future and comforts to guarantee our children
never experience this type of treatment.

Today is ‘Good Friday’ — little bit of an oxymoron? They nail a
living man to a cross and we call it a good day! Whether you believe
he was the Son of God or not, we all should admire Jesus of Nazareth.

He did more than just ’say’ the right things. It was a ‘Good’ day for
all of us when he had the courage to convert those great words into
loving self-sacrifice.

Happy Easter!
–
John Murtari
____________________________________________________________________
Coordinator AKidsRight.Org
jmurtari@AKidsRight.Org “A Kid’s Right to BOTH parents”
Toll Free (877) 635-1968(x-211) http://www.AKidsRight.Org/

I hope many folks recognized the subject of this message as an
adaptation of the old Clinton campaign focus, “It’s the economy
stupid!”. Are we heading in the right direction? Your FEEDBACK is
welcome.

The Presidential Candidates

How about focusing on them, making public efforts to engage them on
Family Rights. Do you have a candidate from your state, or a key
primary in your state — we should make our presence felt.

If you feel you have a Civil Right to be presumed both a Fit & Equal
parent in the lives of your children, that anyone challenging your
right has to win a criminal conviction against you for being a
demonstrated serious threat to the safety of your kids, and that you
get the standard protection of a unanimous jury verdict — perhaps you
should look for help from Federal Legislators?

One strange thing about Family Law: many of our families got hurt in a
Court Room, by Judges, Lawyers, Psychologists, and Social Workers.
Naturally enough, we think that reform should come there. They were
the problem, fixing ‘them’ should be the solution!

It’s a good thing many peaceful Blacks did not feel the same way
about ‘Whites’ during the struggle against segregation. They knew
their issue was “Civil Rights”, there quest for equality. They did
not need to harass or denigrate others to win their goal — neither do
we. Their focus was a Federal Civil Rights Act — don’t we need a
Federal Family Rights Act?

We have a draft at our site: http://www.AKidsRight.Org/act.htm
Contacting Fed. Legislators: http://www.AKidsRight.Org/legislative.htm

Being a Non-Profit - 501(c)(3) & Tying your hands!

Does this make any sense? I meet so many people who are skeptical of
the ’system’ and politicians and the corruption of money — but yet
they rush for 501(c)(3) status — which basically says you can’t do
political things…

I found a nice summary at http://nonprofitlaw.com/EOCOMP.shtml — do
you know what the purpose of a 501(c)(3) is? Primarily charitable and
educational? Isn’t our primary goal advocacy? That would be a
501(c)(4) — what about that?

Why does everyone go for 501(c)(3) — they want the money! Easier to
get contributions, money from United Way — but just don’t criticize
any politicians. I wonder why the tax law was written that way?

Here are some other good links on the topic:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-profit_organization
http://www.legalzoom.com/law_library/non-profit/introduction.html
http://www.clpi.org/Lobbying_and_the_Law.aspx

No Foaming at the Mouth

DON’T YOU AGREE WITH ME SO FAR. WELL, IF YOU DON’T YOUR A TRAITOR
TO THE CAUSE AND I WILL HAVE TO EXPOSE YOU !!!!!!!!!!

How many variations of that do most of see every day. Never mind if it
makes any sense, does any of that ever help? Earlier I mentioned
making our presence felt to the Presidential Candidates, what kind of
public demonstration will work?

A few weeks ago I was talking via phone to an advocate from another
state who kept insisting that Sen. Hillary Clinton should be impeached
for not responding to my petitions for reform. That ‘clearly’ she was
against the family — after all READ HER BOOK !!!!

I told her the Senator must be very busy with requests from many
advocacy groups, that I had been unable to get more than a handful of
people to lobby her, that she had never had a Judge separate her from
her child and that HONESTLY, I was never really concerned about family
law until I got “burned”, and that yes, I had READ HER BOOK, and
before my Family Court disaster, I would have probably agreed with
most of what she said — somewhere in all that they hung up on me!

I WILL EXPOSE THIS PERSON AT THE END OF MY MESSAGE BELOW !!!!!!!

How do we make make a compelling political statement to Sen. Clinton
and the other candidates? How about a peaceful group of loving
parents, carrying pictures of their children. A group whose common
sound ‘bite’ is:

“I love my kids. Being separated from them was the most painful
experience I have ever been through. I really believe our nation
needs to recognize the rights of parents to be considered fit &
equal in the lives of their children…. We hope to encourage
Sen. Clinton to meet with parents hurt by the system. To hear
their stories first hand… and to call for Congressional Hearings
into the need for reform….and potentially a Family Rights Act.”

How is that going to look on the TV News. How would a candidates
staff advice them regarding the wisdom of meeting with these parents?

Worth Considering http://www.AKidsRight.Org/civil_back.htm

Gandhi disliked the words and idea of “passive resistance”.
NonViolent Action is the “the vindication of truth not by
infliction of suffering on the opponent but on one’s self .”

NonViolent Action is peaceful, opponents must be converted by a
demonstration of purity, humility, and honesty. They are to be
converted — not annihilated. Violence and anger create bitterness
in the victim, and brutality in the attacker.

Appealing to the common sense and morality of his adversary was
key. “It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel
themselves honored by humiliation of their fellow human beings.”

NonViolentAction assumes there is a constant dialogue between the
opponents with a view to ultimate reconciliation. Insults,
threats, and propaganda only serve to obstruct the goal.

The product we are selling is NOT Father’s/Men’s Rights

So many people are frustrated by politicians who just aren’t responsive. It really should be no surprise — as a group we just don’t have well defined goals and we are still working on the ‘words.’ Nothing makes this clearer than the focus on FATHER’S rights! Imagine this from America’s past, if the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) had been called the:

NAASCP (…Advancement of Southern Colored People)
NAANCP (…Advancement of Naturalized Colored People)

We have said this before, if ‘reform’ was your product, how would you get the most people into your store? By just saying it’s a Father’s issue!? Half of AKidsRight.Org members are moms who have been mistreated by the system. What about the ‘accused’ child abusers — that have seen social workers walk into their home and take their kids on a ‘hunch’?

What is the common thread here? They are all PARENTS whose CHILDREN were hurt by a SYSTEM that has failed to recognize and protect our GREAT CIVIL RIGHT to presumption of ‘fitness’ and EQUAL parenting. The protection of a JURY of your peers before government interferes in your family.

We are trying to fix not only a BIAS in our system of Family Law (and fathers do get ‘beaten up’ more often than mothers), but also a system that gives a single Judge or even a social worker at CPS the power to act arbitrarily for the “best interest of the child” (another reform fallacy). Obviously, most of us accept that any new law will be “gender neutral” — the problem is not one of father or mother, but for parents and children. Not only those going through a separation, but also those parents who lose their kids to Social/Child Protective Services.

The greatest weapon opponents of reform have is the ability to raise the “hot button” issue of making this a Mom v. Dad thing. But if you want to fight the battle (enjoy the following - a repeat):

“Some Men can’t even stand to look at a scene of Mother and Child happily together without some anger — b$%tch! Dirty Feminists! And we’re sure many Women have experienced the same after seeing THEIR child “taken” by a former husband… abusive control freak! Stupid Masculinist!”

“Come on, admit it you Men, deep down, you KNOW you’d be the best parent! After all, who’s the big bad hunter-gatherer! Ladies, that child came out of YOUR body — their YOURS. After all possession is 9 tenths of the law! We’re talking a biological reality here!”

Lastly, you may want to read the stories on our Hall of Shame page submitted by both mom’s and dad’s, http://www.AKidsRight.Org/shame.htm — there are some parents who just want revenge and to get their kid back. Who cares if the other parent goes through that same pain — after all, they really deserve it! Many aren’t really concerned about Human Rights or Civil Rights, just THEIR rights!

If you are serious about social reform, take the time to read an
outstanding Biography on King, “Let the Trumpet Sound” by Steven
Oates. King is neither a Saint or a Devil, but someone struggling for
reform, with successes and failures. We can all learn from his
efforts and his attitude.

When we spend our time in anger, or as a victim, or criticizing the
‘other’ side (moms or dads) — reform doesn’t come any closer. When
we are inspired by the ideal that we have a basic Civil Right to be
“Fit & Equal” parents in the life of the children we love — we move
forward. http://www.AKidsRIght.Org/approach.htm

Martin Luther King Day - what he really proved?

Most of us have heard sound bites about how he should inspire us to
work for peace and justice. Did we miss the point of what was so
unique in what he did? For many of us “working for peace and justice”
consists of talking and writing about it?

If King demonstrated anything, it was that the combination of Faith,
Love, and Personal Sacrifice (NonViolent Action) can make significant
social reform happen. I didn’t hear a lot about that?

Sometimes people think “Sacrifice” is the anguish they went through
when a Court separated them from their children, maybe the pain they
felt the first evening they spent in a home away from their kids?
Some of us think of “Love” and think of the love we have for our kids
– but PLEASE, don’t ask me to love my former spouse or the Judge,
lawyer, or social worker! And “Faith” … what do you think it means
now?

Please, if you have never done so, read some of the excerpts from the
lives of King and Gandhi we have at the site,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/civil_back.htm

Sacrifice, Faith & Love

Perhaps some of us think ‘this is America’ — when your rights are
violated you sue someone in Court, get a ‘book deal’, go on ‘Good

Morning America’, and make a million bucks! Tell that to the many poor
blacks who followed King and sought equality, or the Indians who
followed Gandhi in a struggle for independence. Many were killed and we
don’t even know their names!

Sacrifice is what we voluntarily surrender — with no sure hope of
achieving a goal. Hopefully, many of us know that King carried the
title “Doctor”, not because he was a physician, but a Baptist Minister
– who tried to have Faith in a Loving and Personal God, not a
philosophical construct. You had to have Faith to make that type of
Sacrifice. He could separate the disapproval he felt for the actions
of the “whites”, while still acknowledging they were his brothers and
sisters and worthy of not only God’s love, but his love.

A Real Inspiration

Probably the biggest comfort we should draw from the lesson of
segregation is that serious and fundamental change is possible. Many
of us can’t even imagine forcing a black to sit in the back of the
bus, or drink from a different water fountain, or use a different
bathroom. But back in 1950 — that was how it was and a lot of
people, including many educated blacks and whites, thought it would
never change!

Unfortunately, many of us as parents get excited about reform, but
after a few years we become ‘more practical’ — it often happens that
leadership gives up on the “big goal” as just not possible. We no
longer believe. Sorry, but when we hear people set their goals on a
“rebuttable presumption of joint custody” or “more oversight and
training for Child Protective services staff” — have we surrendered?
When we actually begin to think that the State of Alabama has the
power to license our children to us? Or that we need to “ask” a Judge
to restore to us our most basic human right?

What did King demonstrate? That with real Faith, real Love, and real
Sacrifice, real miracles can happen. But you have to “believe”, you
have to “act,” and then noble dreams take on flesh and become reality.

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